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Chaos Utopia

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DIRECT VIOLATION! IT's BANG OUTTA ORDER!

Aps (my mate) has a brother that has been reading thru chat logs under her email address and has prevented me from seeing her. What't worse off is he knows all my identity, my past, my issues and problems, various things and confessions I've made to aps because I trust her but not him! What do I do?

I was thinking of taking it to the police in the hope of sueing him but I can't. He's in her family for a start so it would probably affect her and also he's in a gang - meaning my life is put in jeopardy. My final resort?

All I can do is give in and stop being friends with Aps, I promised my gf that I wouldn't put my life at risk at any point in case it ruins out future but I can't give Aps up... Argh, I feel so violated. x_x

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Dear Journal Reader.

I have to come to the conclusion that I am a destructive being not capable of creating happiness.

Why have I come to this conclusion?
With the many problems I have encountered over the past few weeks - I have found that anyone who comes close to me eventually pays a price for it. I've lost most of my closest mates and with the previous violation journal that you read - you will be aware that many are now very acknowledged of flawed past. It is thus the reason why I may as well kill myself. Thankfully, life and intelligence has taught me that this is the wrong way to go about things but I'm afraid i'm not really left with much other option. That is my very final fail-safe. I will only resort to in very extreme measures but I can assure readers that I am not that far from such an option. My current problems as many of you know is my lack of sociability. My social life is one of the largest and definitely one of the greatest aspects of my life. As many of you will know, I live for the people around me, I serve those that I love, I help those that I can and my intentions are now and always have been pure. Yet, my actions display differently as I have managed to hurt one of my closest friends - Aps and destroy her relationship with an arguement over me (shockingly enough) and yet still his brother has managed to entwine those evil palms of his around the event to an extent where I cannot intervene in anyway to create a postive outcome. All I can do is stand back and watch whilst one of my closest friends is being slowly more and more hurt and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Whilst on the other hand many of you will know of her brother david who created this whole mess in the first place be violating me, reading my chat logs and then spreading various parts of the information to other former Wheelers Lane members (Wheelers Lane is our previous school). He prevented me and forced me into and abnormal space where I have no choice but to be able to do nothing about anything that is happening. Furthermore, the rumour is slowly spreading to otehr colleges and apart from my online mates which unfortunately (no offence) but I need someone to be actaully there for me and those of you that have been in difficult situations will understand the effect having someone there for you in person in comparison to someone over an internet connection. The sole person I would turn to (you all know who) has been blocked from the net meaning I have no communication with them whatsoever. This is JUST my current social problem.

This week's up's
-Maplestory is fun.
-The CTRL key is very comforting.

This week's down's
-My worries.
-My mates () and many various other people (not such on DA)
-Constant arguements that take place between me and other friends.
-This constant depression.
-Religion and the many expectations of it.
-College and flunking my AS Level in ART which has created a very difficult situation.
-The AE - A major scam of time in itself which creates many futher problems.
-Family - I hate them. I wish they would die and be pulled into the very seams of hell itself.
-Revision classe.
-New schemes and plans for the future.
-My single consolator - a computer. *sigh* that's bad news folks.
-Pokemon Diamond and Pearl (rumour had it, it would be out by now, i was hopin I could use it as a stress reliever, but more intel shows it wont be out until at least 2007.
-My lonliness.
-My situations.
-My counsellor (do I have one this year and if I don't then I wonder how screwed I'll be).
-My homework - 4 lessons - 2 A level and 2 AS plus revision classes, art tutorials, theory and practical driving tests and much much more - goodbye free time.
-and of course- my single cause for living. I have no idea how it is at the moment due to the loss of contact. I am being very wary of how I phrase things because my mum and brother are here.
-My rushed up life. One year to go. Time is a very important key - screw not rushing things, I don't have much time.
-The people I know, the people of my community, the very muslims in the building - expectations and fake happy faces to create a sense of happiness but deep inside - the demonic nightmare wants to play
-Friday class.
-Meetings - how many meetings do these people have!?!
-Weddings and Funerals - i've given up being happy or sad. I don't even know the people, I'm just a face in the crowd and whilst that sounds selfish in both cases - I can't keep pretending.
-I'm always depressed. Happy now? I admitted it. I wish people would stop asking me to cheer up
-I'm fat too. I know those of you have met me know i'm not but I eat loads and I should be. If someone complains about how much I eat again - GRR.
-I eat when i'm depressed. When I'm sad. When I'm angry. Nearly always when times are bad.
-I've turned to a stuffed pikachu doll for comfort now - when will this torture end?
-My music is so right. Bullet for my Valentine, Linkin Park, The Used, All-American Rejects, Cold, Funeral for a friend - They seem to get everything right in those confounded lyrics of theirs.
-I wanna see my mate but I can't. Wrong timing.

What?
What's that?
You'd think I'd wanna kill myself?
No...
Really!?!

Sorry about my sorry little life.
~Comic-Fanatic.

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This weeks music:

-Sum 41 - Fat Lip
-My Chemical Romance - I'm not Okay (I promise),
-Bullet For My Valentine - All these things I hate (revolve around me)
-Cold - Remedy

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This week's journal:

I can't do it. I am expecting to protect my girlfriend from every type of manipulation from over 10,000 miles away and I can't do it. I'll remain to keep going until I just die or something because this is really difficult. On one hand, it's now been four weeks since I heard from my girl - that's right, a whole month. I can't stand it. On the other hand my mum has been blaitantly asking me - are you going out with another girl? and I keep saying no. I feel so guilty I might just crack. It's bad enough that things are so difficult right now but I love my girl. Why do things have to be so different. *sigh*

I am going to a counsellor now, she sucks. Not helping at all atm. Maybe things will change but I am just getting more and more pissed. I wish things weren't so difficult but that's life for you.

On another note, I have to write an essay on a french film we saw PART of today and just to make things harder - it was in french, no subtitles and it seemed cheap and sleazy. 'A Bout De Souffle,' check it out sometime - it's sleazy I think. Anyway, it means 'breathless' so that could give part of it away as to why. :rolleyes:

I'm just not myself today. I'm sad. T.T

Comic-Fanatic.

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My Friends~





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